Jesse Kelber

  • Still Life With Dog. Or: Reframing, FTW

    (Ed Note: This is yet another piece from a defunct blog. It dates to just after I was laid off back in Oct. '23. Some edits have been made to reflect the passage of time, but the underlying theme still resonates with me, so I decided to post it.)

    Three things happened—in rapid succession—back in Oct. '23 and I’m still getting a kick out of the interconnectedness.

    Thing 1: I restarted my too-long dormant meditation practice.

    Thing 2: I adopted a dog. His name is Rufus.

    Thing 3: I was laid off as part of a “restructure.”

    The connections and threads began showing themselves the morning after the layoffs when I sat down to meditate. The first thought that entered my mind was that without this practice, I wouldn’t be maintaining nearly as well as I am. A friend who’s known me through multiple ups and downs, depression-wise, commented that if they didn’t know I was unemployed, they’d never know I was unemployed. As I ushered that thought back out of my mind, I peeked out from under closed eyes to see Rufus directly in front of me, laying on his back with legs akimbo and his front paw firmly planted in his mouth (as in the below photo, same pose, different day. Apparently this is a thing with him).

    He proceeded, over the next 30 seconds or so, to grab a toy, shake the stuffing out of it, put that toy down, come lick my hand, pick up another toy, shake the shit out of it, put it down, come lay down in front of me and paw at my hands, then pick up a chew and settle down for 5 seconds of gnawing, followed by a rough repeat of the above sequence.

    What dawned on me is that far from being a problematic meditation partner, Rufus is the embodiment of how you should approach thoughts that occur to you while sitting. He followed his instinct to start a new activity, then dropped it in favor of another one, eventually settling down on the couch behind me and watching me intently. Similarly, I’ve heard the process of working with thoughts that arise during meditation as letting them in the front door but not inviting them to stay for tea, rather showing them through the house and ushering them out the back door. Rufus didn’t let the idea of playing noisily stay for tea, cycling through several visiting thoughts before settling into an appropriate option.

    The next thread I picked up is that with more time on my hands, I may indeed be able to finish the first draft of my novel by the end of November. For the past 6 months or so, the only work I’ve been able to do on it has been at my Saturday morning writers’ group. And we only write for an hour before turning to a discussion of progress, hurdles, etc.

    (Ed note: the novel is now in revision for draft 2, the draft I'll be using when pitching agents...gulp)

    In order for my highly sensitive self to make it through that discussion, thanks to a particular individual whose energy I find so hectic I can’t focus on anything else, I’ve had to do a similar reframing of the situation. Rather than approaching each group session with a sense of dread, I’ve flipped the proverbial script and now approach it with a child-like curiosity. In the case of this one guy, the difference has been breathtaking.

    Rather than spending the writing hour dreading what random shit he’s going to want to talk about (his stories are…intense, but not so much in a good way—I look forward to asking him a lot of questions about his world-building, character development, etc. This perspective shift (see how I brought that around to a familiar topic?) has made such a difference I’m now going out of my way to clear my Saturday mornings so I don’t miss a session! To think I was about to quit the group just a few weeks ago…

    So it looks like the threads are indeed connected, by perspectives and the power inherent in being able to flip them over and see a situation, like being laid off, or having a puppy interrupt your meditation, from a different angle. Now I follow Rufus’ lead and am having some of the most productive sessions of my 20+ years as a meditator.

    And while I'll be spending plenty of time on my job hunt, I can also devote more hours than ever to both finishing that draft and developing more essay ideas for here on I Like How You Think.

    Update: as of publication date, I am indeed still conducting a hunt for a full-time role, I am also ramping up my efforts at becoming a full-time freelancer. My new homepage will be live in early August (knock on wood), and I'm networking my introverted ass off looking for folks interested in bringing a little empathy to their brand marketing and executive ghostwriting.

  • You Are Not Your Story

    Western culture has a bad habit. Well, several actually, but that’s the subject of another blog. Or a Masters level seminar. Anyway, the habit I want to talk about here is our felt need to have a backstory for...well, everything. This often extends to ourselves and how we view ourselves in the context of our daily lives. We listen to what others say about us, combine that with what we think we want our lives to look like, or what we think we stand for, and voila -

    we end up with a narrative, often with a side order of low self-esteem and unreasonable expectations for good measure.

    And that’s where I want to pick up the story (pun fully intended), after we’ve built this narrative around these externally derived concepts of ourselves. First, you need to understand that these stories often serve a valid purpose. They can give us the motivation we need to keep going when things get difficult. They can smooth over the bumps in life.

    However, they can also lead us astray - to a false sense of self that’s based on the story and not on who we truly are.

    The tricky part is recognizing when you start telling yourself such a story, then being able to separate your actual, present self from the version in the narrative. Start by realizing that you’re constructing the story around past events. Because that’s all you have to build them around, events you remember and can put yourself back into in order to sort out what’s happening now. You’re telling yourself, “something like this happened once, and here’s how I handled it.” This is often followed by a critical assessment of how you handled it and how your past self failed in some way.

    Here comes the self-doubt.

    Now step back from the story you’ve constructed and realize that this is not who you are. This is an event from your past. Your present self has learned from that past event and is attempting to translate what happened and make it relevant to the present.

    Let go of the story and allow yourself to live now.

    Shift From Dwelling On The Past To Planning For The Future

    “Nothing happens for a reason, but everything that happens has purpose."
    – Megan Hollingsworth

    Saying that an event happened for a reason shifts accountability (blame) to something that happened before that event - and since that precipitating event is in the past, there’s nothing that can be done. This conveniently shifts any impetus to take action off Present You, since all you can affect is now.

    However, saying that “everything that happens has purpose,” well now, that’s different. Now you’re saying that the event happened in order to affect something that hasn’t happened yet. Now the focus is on the future, something that your actions in the present can certainly impact. Suddenly, your future is firmly in your hands, and rests on what you do now, in the present - in reaction to the event in question.

    “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
    – Epictetus

    This follows from the first quote, and Epictetus’ words ring true today - two thousand years after he said them. Granted, he was a Stoic philosopher who believed that all external events happen as a result of fate and should be accepted without fuss. I’m not advocating that extreme a view, I just want to take it far enough to adopt an outsider’s view of events in order to learn from them and carry that lesson forward.

    If you can make this perspective shift (yep, this turned into another piece about the power of shifting perspective), even if only when you remember this article, imagine the changes you can create. Instead of saying, “why did that happen to me?” What you’re saying is, “what can I do with this right now to positively impact my future?”

    I’m not saying this is easy. Or that I’m all that great at it myself. Frankly, I’m a ruminator, meaning that all too often I find myself chewing over some past perceived indiscretion, leading myself into a downward spiral where I’m so totally consumed by my past self that I can’t see my present, let alone my future. This is something I’ve been putting a lot of work into recently, and am happy to say that I’ve made some great progress.

    Now back to you.

    What I’m asking you to do is take the negative experience of dwelling on the past WHY and turned it into the positive experience of figuring out the future HOW. Realize that what you’re telling yourself is a story constructed in your head around some past event, a story that present you has the power to learn from. Then you can take that learning and use it to ensure that in the future, you don’t react to a similar situation in the same exact way. You’ve just effectively rewritten your future story, and I hope you like the new ending.

    Give it a shot and let me know how it goes.

  • I'm a writer.

    I just posted/sent an essay/newsletter (yeah, I’m not sure how to call what just yet) that starts with the line:

    I’m a writer.

    It took until I saw the email land in my inbox to realize something. That’s the first time I’ve written that line for public consumption. I’ve been saying it for a while, mostly in response to the question, “So, what do you do?” since it’s actually more straightforward than trying to explain content marketing or executive ghostwriting.

    Imposter syndrome?

    I’m sure that’s part of it. But I feel like a bigger part is that I’m still in shock and awe that I can say I write for a living (no, the irony of currently being “between jobs” is not lost). After making the career jump I talk about in that piece, I wrestled with what to call myself for, well, years before finally coming up with a pitch version. I’ve already forgotten what that pitch was. Now, I just say, “I’m a writer,” and let the questioner figure out their next question. And if they don’t, cool, at least they know what I know.

    I’m a writer.

    (I am, however, still working out what posts show up where, so apologies if you see dups. And finally, if you’d like to discuss brand marketing and/or executive ghostwriting, I am working with private clients and would love to chat!)

  • Know Your Why, Part I

    If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing—how can you counter someone who says you’re doing it wrong?

    My grandma used to say something that drove me, and the rest of the family, nuts:

    “You’re right, I can’t.”

    That is one of the most deceptively simple sounding, yet incredibly complex— and the more I think about it, maddening—expressions I have ever come up against.

    Even more so when I found it coming out of my own mouth.

    The first time I recall hearing this sentence, it was in the context of getting my then-already-aged grandma out of the house. She was settled in her routines and unflappable against our attempts to get her to come to a larger family dinner. On the surface, the meaning was clear, she simply couldn’t gather herself enough to get ready and deal with being out in public, let alone meeting up with a larger group than the 2 of us staying with her. And there's no way to counter it, I can't say what she can or can't do, right?

    Hey, I’m an introvert, I get it. I’m well acquainted with simply having had enough peopling for one day, or week, and needing alone time to recharge. But I came to find out there was more to it. I came to find out, well after my grandma had passed, that she likely had lifelong, and undiagnosed, depression. Having dealt with what I sometimes call “funks” for the better part of my adult life, this fact completely changed the dynamic.

    And thus ends the dive into my and my family’s history for today, I promise. I do want to keep going on that short little sentence though, before bringing it back around and connecting this to why it’s so important to know your why.

    Understanding that the sentence was being said from a place of pain, rather than of obstinance or the sheer stubbornness my family is legendary for completely changed how I saw my grandma. It also changed how I understood my own interactions with pretty much everyone else I’ve encountered in my life, right up to today.

    Those four little, deceptively simple-sounding words, “You’re right, I can’t,” both acknowledge and dismiss the fact that the person uttering them is in complete control of their destiny. What they are truly saying is, “I know you have the best of intentions, and I know I should do what you’re saying I should do. But I simply can’t. I don’t have the ability to overcome a contravening force that is acting on my mind and body, limiting my ability to do even what I know full well I should be doing.”

    It was all of this background that opened my eyes when I heard myself say “You’re right, but I just can’t.”

    Then I sat in stunned silence. Had I really just said that!?

    I took a couple of deep breaths, I was talking to this person on video chat (it was a coworker at my last job) so they were starting to wonder why my eyes were closed before I remembered to turn off my camera. Funny pandemic moment aside, this is what I came up with:

    I was fine with having said it. And that was because I understood WHY I had said it. And that one word is what made the difference.

    I’ve been learning to accept, deal with, and work within my abilities and traits. It’s been nearly a decade since I figured out my status as an HSP and an empath, and in those years I’ve worked hard at honing my ability to block other people's FML vibes while allowing in enough of their energy to connect on the level I thrive on.

    What that coworker was asking of me was simply more than I could handle. After a day of interspersed meetings and deep work sessions, I was played out. Knackered. Done. They were inviting me, last minute, to a Zoom happy hour for someone whose last day it was with the company. Aside from the last-minute nature of the invite, Zoom small talk is not something I can do, let alone at the end of the day and without any time to prepare.

    In that context, saying I couldn’t attend was my only sound option, and that little sentence doesn’t invite probing questions. And importantly, it leaves no room for anyone to question your motivations, as long as you say it with the conviction that comes with knowing yourself well enough to know what you can, and can’t, do in a given situation. It’s final without sounding dire, and my coworker respected that.

    Knowing my own why was enough to not only carry me through the interaction but to feel OK about using what was once a phrase that made me as close to stabby as just about anything I can think of.

    That makes it a pretty powerful concept to keep in mind if you ask me.

    I’ve got more thoughts percolating on this, hence the Part I in the title. Stay tuned while I sort through those thoughts and see how they want to be written.

  • Reframing, or Perspectives con’t

    Let’s start with a definition of terms, from Wikipedia:

    Cognitive reframing is a psychological technique that consists of identifying and then disputing irrational or maladaptive thoughts. Reframing is a way of viewing and experiencing events, ideas, concepts, and emotions to find more positive alternatives.

    In other words, reframing is taking an issue, situation, or interaction and turning it around in your head in order to see it from different perspectives. For the visual learners out there, look at it as separating the issue from your Self, setting it on the floor in front of you, and walking around it.

    The concept of separating an issue from your Self might seem...woo-woo, or just a tad odd to some of you. No worries. The first step is to understand that what you’re experiencing is not who you are. The situation you find yourself in is just that—a situation—a thing separate and discrete from you, the person experiencing it.

    Internalizing this fact is what will allow you to view the incident as something you can set down in front of you and examine. This lets you see it from many different angles, taking in multiple perspectives on the issue. Do several laps. Really let each distinct perspective sink in and make an impact on how you view this thing that is your situation.

    In performing this separation, you will gain distance from the issue. This will allow you some room to breathe, to really examine the issue from these alternate perspectives and get a better grasp on it. You’ll see additional possibilities that may have been hidden previously due to the cultural blinders we all wear. These blinders are the inherent biases we all carry with us every day; the things we think we know and the societal assumptions we make, often unconsciously.

    You can do this exercise with any situation you encounter. Whenever you find yourself saying, “OK, here’s what happened, now what do I do?!?!” Or, “Here’s the only option I can see…” This is your cue to try reframing. You may very well end up right back where you started, and that’s OK. If so, you’ll get there having examined the situation from all these perspectives and you’ll be confident that your course of action is right for the situation and the moment.

    Now, let’s take a moment to discuss those Cognitive Blinders I mentioned in passing above. Don’t think you don’t have them. We all do. The trick is being able to see them BEFORE they get in the way. Part 2 of the trick is being able to push them aside to see what they’ve been blocking from view. There are 2 primary blinders I want to discuss. The first is called the Availability Heuristic.

    In summary, this is how we use the information we have collected from previous experience to judge what’s going to happen now, in this moment. Let’s say you’re sitting at a stop light. The Availability Heuristic is what tells you that within 30-90 seconds that light will turn green and you’ll be on your way.

    If you’ve ever experienced something similar to the current situation you’re working with, you already have some idea of how to handle it. The problem is that the previous experience you’re using to formulate these ideas may not be as closely related as the heuristic tells you it is. If you don’t take the time to acknowledge this blinder, you may not realize any of this until it’s too late.

    Blinder #2 is what Daniel Quinn calls “...the voice of Mother Culture humming in the background...”

    This is the accumulated detritus of the culture you were raised in. It includes the lessons about sharing you (hopefully) learned in kindergarten, and it includes what you’re learning watching the current political...situation. It includes what you learned playing outside with your friends as a kid (if you’re at least my age and your parents let you play outside), and it includes what you learned from watching and internalizing years worth of commercial TV and Hollywood blockbusters (which is a big part of why I no longer do either, but that’s for a different post entirely).

    Both of these blinders are easily addressed. First, you have to be present enough to realize that they’re there. Then, you have to take a moment to ask yourself what these blinders are blocking, and what they’re forcing you to focus on. Once you can reconcile the difference between these two things, you’re beginning to see the whole picture.

    Now take a step back and reframe the situation. Once you’ve finished this exercise, as I mentioned earlier, you may very well end up at the same conclusion you arrived at pre-reframing—and again, that’s OK. Having looked at the issue from all sides, you can rest assured that that is indeed the most appropriate solution, in this moment, for the situation at hand. This can be a powerful tool in your arsenal as you move through life, from conflict resolution at home to the direction your career is going. I encourage you to give it a try the next time you find yourself appraising a sticky situation, you might be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

  • What’s Enlightenment Got To Do With It?

    “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

    Zen Proverb

    This proverb has been rattling around in my head recently, so I figured it was time to get some thoughts down here. You know, for posterity. But first a word of warning: as with any proverb, Zen or otherwise, interpretations will vary widely, and often wildly. What follows is simply the way I’ve been looking at this one, an interpretation that’s filtered through my life experiences, current situation, etc…etc…etc…

    Therefore what follows are my thoughts as of this moment right here.

    It’s About Being Present in the Moment

    Enlightenment can be found in the mundane as readily as in the profane. I’m referring more to those flashes of insight that come at seemingly random times—in the shower, on a walk, while you do the dishes—than to the state of enlightenment in the Buddhist sense. I know, confusing to be talking about a Buddhist proverb in a non-Buddhist context…welcome to my world.

    The catch is that you have to be present in the moment or you’ll most likely miss it. I mean, just imagine if Gautama Buddha had been scrolling Instagram while he sat under the Bodhi tree…

    The fact that even after you reach that Buddhist state of enlightenment you still have wood to chop and water to carry is a stark reminder of the fact that despite reaching such a rarified status you must still be present in each moment to reap the benefits—because life goes on regardless.

    It’s About Being Present For Every Task, Every Day

    Dovetailing from that last point is the idea that we all need to bring our attention fully to whatever task we find ourselves faced with. I don’t enjoy cleaning up after my dog, but I do it to the best of my ability (and yet still manage to miss some…) because if I don’t, the yard will start to look derelict (not to mention stink) and ruin the view out of my office window. Not to mention ticking off the neighbors.

    The fact that even after reaching enlightenment, one is expected to continue doing their daily tasks is heartening to those of us who know damn well we’re not heading for that state. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep doing my damnedest to ensure the crap is picked up, the dishes are done, and the garbage can is in the alley by Wednesday morning.

    It’s About How You Show Up

    Back during my training as a Wellness Coach, an instructor used the phrase, “It’s about how you show up.” That idea has resonated with me consistently for the last decade. I’ve heard similar sentiments in podcasts, books, and even one TEDx talk (but I’ll be damned if I can remember whose).

    This one truly underlies the other two points in that if you’re not paying attention to how you show up, you’re unlikely to be able to stay focused or be all that present in the moment (you’ll be too busy trying to remember where you left your keys, let alone your A game).

    Think of it like this: If you show up to work in your PJs with your hair unkempt and one slipper missing, what does that say about you and how much you value your job? What if you showed up to a date looking like that? Or to pick up your kids after school? Exactly, and an often overlooked aspect of this idea is that the same goes for your mental state and outlook on life. If you’re in a foul mood when you get to the office or a client meeting, do you honestly think that won’t impact the outcome?

    Paying attention to how you show up means that when it comes time to chop that wood or carry that water, you’ll be present and ready by default. And if not—after all, we all have our off days—now you’ll be aware of the difference it makes and ready to tackle whatever is standing in the way.

  • Resonance

    From Wikipedia:

    “Resonance is a phenomenon that occurs when an object or system is subjected to an external force or vibration that matches its natural frequency.”

    Also from Wikipedia:

    “Limbic resonance is the idea that the capacity for sharing deep emotional states arises from the limbic system of the brain. These states include the dopamine circuit-promoted feelings of empathic harmony, and the norepinephrine circuit-originated emotional states of fear, anxiety, and anger.”

    So when someone says, “That resonates with me,” do they mean that particular something sounds good? Feels good? Somewhere in between—or a combination of—the two?

    I think I generally use it to mean that an idea feels right or hits a particular note that I hadn’t thought about but that in letting it sit, feels appropriate.

    Wait, I literally just used the phrase “hits a particular note.” As is, it literally resonates, at just the right pitch, with just the right tone, and on just the right beat. And as an Empath, the idea that how we connect on the level of vibes may literally involve, you know, vibrations, is somehow reassuring. All of this feels right at first blush, will it stay that way? I mean, music is known for its emotional power, right? Why else do people cry at concerts? Or find themselves swaying to a beat they’ve never heard before, swept along with the crowd at a festival?

    Ideas as music, I like this line of thinking. Let’s see where it goes, shall we?

    So if ideas are like music in that they travel and impact us on the level of literal energy wavelengths:

    • what is it that makes one idea sit right today, but maybe a contrary thought will sound better tomorrow?
    • Is it related to how one day I might just have to listen to Rage Against The Machine, and the next it’s nothing but Miles Davis all day?
    • Does it mean our brain waves shift and change pitch, matching up to one band one day and something diametrically opposed to that the next day?
    • Or are these music styles, and human brainwave variations—when broken down to the wavelength level—not as different as they first seem?

    Jack Kornfield, a leading Western Buddhist scholar and teacher, says that this idea crosses cultures as it’s rooted in the very way our brains function:

    "Each time we meet another human being and honor their dignity, we help those around us. Their hearts resonate with ours in exactly the same way the strings of an unplucked violin vibrate with the sounds of a violin played nearby. Western psychology has documented this phenomenon of 'mood contagion' or limbic resonance. If a person filled with panic or hatred walks into a room, we feel it immediately, and unless we are very mindful, that person's negative state will begin to overtake our own. When a joyfully expressive person walks into a room, we can feel that state as well." 1

    The only thing I would add to that is that people’s receptivity to these vibrations can vary widely. As can their ability to discern what’s going on. The number of times I’ve had to explain why my mood just took a 180, while the person I’m talking to felt nothing…

    I’m drawn to the idea that some people’s brains operate at a universal frequency…or are better equipped to shift frequency to better match up with that of a conversation partner, coworker, or coaching client. And does this have anything to do with something I’ve experienced more often recently than at any point in my life: people saying they feel closer to me, more able to talk openly—and just more comfortable in general—than with anyone else they’ve ever met.

    Years ago, I grew weary of everyone wanting to unload their emotional baggage on me. I would say “Hi” to the barista and the next thing I know I’m hearing about their recent breakup and how their dog has cancer. Or I would enter a work meeting and before sitting down I’d be hearing about someone’s weekend binge and how they’re starting to think they might have a problem.

    I never knew what to do with all this, until it started weighing me down. I was unaware of my status as an Empath at this point, all I knew was that I needed it to stop—or to learn how to control it—before it dragged me under along with these poor folks.

    This idea of Empaths being able to either generate a universal frequency, like how some people are universal blood donors—or to quickly and subconsciously adjust their own to match another person’s energy—explains how we can connect with anybody. Thinking a bit more, I realize that frequencies are each unique, so there’s not likely to be a universal one that would allow these nearly instant connections to so many other people.

    So have I been quick-adjusting my brainwaves all my live without realizing it? And can I use this realization to help me more effectively block other people’s…stuff, say when I’m trying to work in a public place and find my brain being invaded by someone else’s FML energy?

    I think that’ll be a topic for another essay, once I’ve time to let this whole line of thinking sit a while. Maybe some of these ideas will find the right frequency and start resonating with the right energy to help me figure it out.

    If you’ll excuse me, today’s a Miles Davis sort of day.

    1. Jack Kornfield (2008), The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology, Random House, Inc., p. 17, ISBN 978-0-553-80347-1 ↩

  • Paying Attention…on Purpose

    Before you ask, no, this won’t devolve into a rant about the “attention economy.” At least, I hope it won’t.

    Paying attention is a bit of a trigger for me these days.

    Can you blame me? I was knocked off my bike by a driver who hooked an un-signaled right turn through the bike lane I was in. Leaving aside the driving habits of Seattleites these days (I need to remember I also drive here...)—is it asking too much to just look around every once in a while?

    I digress.

    I think this focus on our lack of focus started in earnest in 2020 when I was knocked off my motorcycle by an inattentive driver who ran a stop sign (for those of you keeping score, that's inattentive drivers - 2, Jesse - 0). That's when I started seeing more and more examples of how we as a species are having an increasingly difficult time doing it.

    I’ve been an on-again, off-again meditator for something like 20 years, and in that time I’ve mostly practiced a form of Mindfulness Meditation.

    Without launching into a “sure to bore you to tears” historical explainer, the bottom line for me is simply that my mind only has two settings when it comes to attention—either I can’t stay focused for more than 5 minutes, or I fall into a rabbit hole only to emerge into the daylight, hours later, blinking like a bear emerging from hibernation.

    Mindfulness meditation proved the best way for me to train my brain to do what I ask of it. That is, to focus when I need it to focus and wander off in wonder only when I let it off leash.

    This brings me to the first version of this idea of paying attention with a purpose beyond not walking into a wall—or running into a dude on a motorcycle—from the founder of Mindfulness therapy himself, Jon Kabat-Zinn.

    "Mindfulness is awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally...”

    Let’s break that down and look at each piece separately for a minute.

    “...awareness that arises through paying attention...”

    Right off the bat, Kabat-Zinn is drawing a line between awareness and attention that might strike you as unnecessary. After all, most of us meander through life figuring if we’re aware of something, we must also be paying attention to it. Think of the last time you were at the front of the line at a traffic light when it turned green. How long did it take you to notice the change of color and move your foot off the brake and over to the accelerator?

    I’m guessing more than you’re comfortable disclosing to strangers. So where was your attention? You were clearly aware of being at a traffic light (at least, I truly hope you were). But were you paying attention to it? How would things have been different if your full attention was on that light?

    “...on purpose, in the present moment...”

    This is the bit that resonates with me the strongest. How can you be paying attention NOT on purpose? Well, let’s think about that for a second. What was the last movie you watched? How far into it was the first time you found yourself elbowing the person next to you and asking, “What’s he talking about? When did that happen?!”

    You thought you were paying attention to the movie, but maybe you were only peripherally aware of it playing while your attention was on...I don’t know, a conversation you had with your boss last week. Or the parent-teacher conference next week. Or the argument you had with your partner right before the movie started.

    So it’s not a stretch at all to say you’ve probably spent a fair bit of your waking time NOT paying attention to what you thought you were paying attention to, yeah?

    That ‘present moment’ comment opens a whole ‘nother can of proverbial worms, and those buggers are terrifying to try and get back in the can so I’ll leave you with a suggestion that if you take one thing away from reading this essay let it be this:

    Focusing on the present moment is a great way to avoid many of the pitfalls being discussed and will start you in the right direction for lasting mindfulness.

    “...non-judgmentally...”

    Uh-oh, speaking of cans of worms. Forgive me for causing 90’s flashbacks: “can open...worms...everywhere!”

    Kabat-Zinn is making one of the toughest requests of all, he’s asking us to be kind to ourselves.

    When you find your attention wandering away from the present, from whatever is right in front of you right now, don't get upset with yourself. We’re all human, after all, and being human comes with some caveats.

    This whole dive was triggered by a comment John Green made in a talk...sometime. He said that when you want to get a handle on what you’re thinking about or what to write about, look at what you pay the most attention to. His line was, “Pay attention to what you pay attention to.”

    What I can’t decide is if Green’s line is an updated version of Kabat-Zinn’s, or if it’s a different beast altogether. Or is that a difference that doesn’t matter? So what if it is different, anything that gets you thinking along these lines is a good thing as far as I’m concerned.

  • Who decided we all needed to have our collective shit together, anyway?

    A lot of ink, digital and otherwise, has been spilt discussing the cult of busyness in society these days. So if you think I’m going to spill more in an attempt at muddying the waters with yet one more opinion...you’re right.

    You know me so well.

    Despite my best efforts, all too often I find myself being dragged into this sense of “if I’m not doing something, I’m failing at...something else.” And as an introvert who’s prone to overthinking ALL. THE. THINGS. That’s not a comfortable place to be.

    The Cult of Busyness (TM) indoctrination ceremony often ends early because the host is already late for a meeting.

    Where was I…?

    Right. The idea that you must always be proactively producing widgets is so engrained in western society that it’s easy to mistake it for a fact. But it isn’t. It’s just one idea, a thought, frankly more of an assumption—that you’ve heard whispered in your ear ever since you became conscious enough to hear whispers. And frankly, it’s getting quite irksome that despite knowing better, I still fall under the trance of those damn whispers.

    This all started back a couple of roles (contract business content writer for a cybersecurity/authentication provider), when my manager/editor said, “Hey, it’s OK, they’re paying us to think.”

    She literally caused me to do a spit take (then spend 20 minutes trying to clean the tea out of my keyboard). Remember, I spent my first career in IT support, where my productivity was measured in screens replaced, hard drives revived, and malwares exterminated.

    It was only with that comment, which came some 3+ years into my current career as a content/copywriter (an inexact title for what I actually do, but whatever, it works for my purposes here) that one of the major differences to become clear:

    I’m literally being paid to think.

    So what’s the measurable output? Where’s the pile of fixed laptops? Where’s the status report that attests to the eradication of that malware? Where’s the spreadsheet where I enter how many machines I worked on that day and for how long? It was one thing back at the agency where I got my start, we had a word count to meet every week (and for the record, I was hitting 8,000/week for 5 different clients by the end of my time there).

    But now that I’m spending time staying on top of industry news, planning strategy for upcoming campaigns, and oh yeah, writing customer stories and e-guides—how do I prove I’m being productive?

    Those of you already in the knowledge work sector might, at this point, be scratching your heads or stroking your beards in bemusement. You may also be wondering how any of this ties into the title about proverbial shit. Here it is:

    You don’t have to have your shit together, nor do you have to always appear productive, to be doing your best work.

    We’ve all had, or currently suffer through having, that coworker who always seems so…together.

    You know the one.

    Always at their desk 5 minutes before on-time.

    Always first to the conference room, with extra pens and name tags, you know, just in case.

    Always in the Zoom room first.

    Always sending around the team memos with links to the right and wrong spreadsheets to enter your expenses in if you actually want to be reimbursed.

    And somehow, they’re always between slightly and massively dickish about it.

    Here’s the thing about that person…they’re no more collected than anyone else. In fact, I would posit from experience that they’re often hotter messes than most. They’ve just learned how to use surface-level organization to make it LOOK like they’ve got it all together.

    And guess what often suffers while they collect pens and name tags for the next meeting? Yup, actual, measurable productivity. And nobody likes them, see the above comment about being dickish.

    When I was turning out 8,000 words per week you couldn’t always rely on my to know what day it was, let alone if I was late for a Zoom call with one of those clients. My editor was so bad at that stuff that I had to set a reminder for myself to remind her when we had meetings. But wow, was I turning out product.

    OK, summary time. Don’t be fooled by Mr. Got-it-all-together. He doesn't. Neither does Sally Widgetmaker. Productivity and the appearance of having “it all together” are not always as closely linked as we’ve been led to believe.

    If you’re producing work you love (or your boss, or whoever in your life judges your product), and you’re not being a dick to those around you, consider it a win.

    The rest will come in time.

    Or not.

    Either way, you’re good and I’d be happy to work on a project with you.

  • Shift Your Perspective

    This is an amalgamation of what started out as 3 posts on a previous blog. I’ve edited it heavily and in the end decided to combine the whole thing into one longer piece, hoping that the resulting total is indeed more than the sum of its parts. Trust me, it’s going to make more sense and be easier to digest this way. Think of it like throwing the entire week's leftovers into one pot and turning it all into stew. It goes down easier than the individual bits would.

    Perspective is everything

    I stumbled on an interesting piece on Placemakers (ed: they appear to have removed their blog since I first wrote this) some time ago that had a great, brief history of the NIMBY (Not In My BackYard) movement. The article’s goal was to pinpoint where the movement took a turn…for argument's sake let’s say for the worse, and it includes what I think is a fundamental life lesson about perspective:

    “The burden now falls on you to stop telling them what you don’t want. And start telling them what you do want.”

    In other words, if you go through life focused on the negative, you’ll likely miss all the positive that’s out there. This seems extra timely given the current state of the 24/7 news cycle. Don’t become so focused on a negative (let’s say news story) that you miss out on all the positive things that are also happening, often right under your nose.

    Take a step back and see negative situations/stories as a learning opportunity. Learn about the importance of shifting your perspective. Instead of "You can't do ABC," try "I wonder if XYZ would work?" By reframing the situation like this, you may be amazed that you can get results you’ll be proud of.

    Results that get you something you want, rather than just NOT getting something you don’t want.

    Back to the source quote and article for a second. NIMBYs focus all of their efforts and energies on blocking things they don't want; bridges, trails, airport runways (to use some examples from Seattle)—that they often miss what they already have—community. What if these groups of neighbors got together more often than just every time there was a hearing where they wanted to oppose something, and decided instead to build a community garden on a vacant lot? Or got together to help an elderly neighbor fix up their house so they could continue to live independently and remain a part of their community?

    “So maybe it’s time to flip our perspective upside down. Instead of talking about ‘lifestyle disease,’ maybe it’s time to start talking about ‘diseased lifestyles.’ This simple reversal will yield some new insights.”

    Frank Forencich

    It seems so simple on the surface. All you have to do is flip your view on something 180 degrees and you get a whole different perspective. You might find that you’re able to see it from someone else's point of view, making it easier to come to an agreement. So why is it so effing hard most of the time?

    Well, for starters there's this thing called the Backfire Effect. At its most basic level, this is a heuristic that says that no matter how much 'fact' you throw at someone, at best they will not alter their strongly held belief at all—and at worst your efforts will backfire and you'll actually strengthen that belief. In this light, the chances of you getting this person to 'see things your way' don't look so good.

    In terms of what Frank is talking about above, our Western medical system is the manifestation of a strongly entrenched belief that says 'treat the symptom.' It says nothing whatsoever about the cause. If you present with a stuffy nose, you're going to get a decongestant to dry out the mucus in your sinuses. If you have a fever, you'll get a pill to bring your temperature down. Never mind that mucus and fever are your body's natural defense, it's way of fighting off an intruder. By treating the symptom you never get to the point of finding out just what it is your body is trying to protect itself from, and you effectively cut off your own defenses before they have a chance to get started doing their job.

    And to effectively treat causes, you have to look at the root cause not just the immediate one. So if your symptom is that runny nose, the immediate cause might seem to be a seasonal allergy. If you look deeper however you may find that you're leaving yourself open to that seasonal allergy because your immune system is taxed past its limits because of the amount of sugar and refined wheat you eat (a little personal experience there). So we've gone from taking a decongestant for relief from the snot to examining a cultural assumption (wheat is part of a healthy diet) to find the root cause and eliminate it.

    All that from what feels like a simple shift of perspective.

    This 180 flip from symptom to cause can be useful in other situations as well. Take many of the culturally based assumptions we make about consumerism, the idea of keeping up with the Joneses. What if, instead of trying to out-spend the Joneses, we focused on out-experiencing them? Instead of buying a bigger TV, how about taking a trip with your family and making some new memories?

    Or instead of that new car you’ve been eyeing, how about selling the extra car and trying a cargo bike? The conversation on the way to school will shift from what video the kids want to watch to what bird made that noise, or how much fun it is to fly past all the cars stuck in traffic. All this from asking what the outcome could be if you did XYZ instead of ABC.

    Next time you have a decision to make around consumption, stop for a second and flip things over in your head. The results might surprise you.

    "If you change how you think about it, it’s impact on what you feel and do changes.”

    Walter Mischel

    This quote is a nice, tidy summary of the whole idea of shifting your perspective, and by extension, this essay. By definition, if you want to see something from the “other” side you want to change how that something is impacting your life. What Mischel is saying is that the simple act of looking at it differently can be all that’s needed to accomplish this.

    That takes us well beyond the realm of disease prevention and consumerism. In fact, it pretty well opens up any topic or situation for exploration.

    Having a discussion with your boss about when that big project needs to be ready for presentation? They say next week for the leadership meeting and you say 2 weeks later in time for the shareholder meeting? Instead of sticking to your guns, take a step back and look at it from their side of the table. You may find that having a dry run for the leadership group could be beneficial, plus you’d have 2 weeks to make changes and tweak your presentation before it goes public.

    In many ways, this is also connected to staying grounded in the present moment.

    When you get wrapped up in defending your perspective, you’re focusing on the future—and just one possible future at that. What you’re seeing is an extra 2 weeks of procrastinating, of being able to focus on other tasks that you view as more important than the project presentation. When you pause and take that step back, you return your grounding to the here and now. This is what allows you to shift perspectives over to that of your boss and see the future results of your actions now.

    In staying focused on your side of the discussion, you’re also staying focused on just one possible outcome. Being able to see an alternative can be extremely helpful in many areas of daily life. From work to your commute to asking how your partner’s day went (or knowing when to avoid asking).

    Even from crashing on the couch in front of reruns after dinner to playing a board game with the family, reading a book, or maybe taking a quiet walk around the neighborhood.

    All that from the seemingly simple act of taking a step back, staying present, and shifting your perspective.

    This piece took on a life of its own when I started editing. The idea was to show the wide variety of situations and topics where shifting your perspective can open up new vistas and possibilities. Perspective as a topic holds a special place in my heart since one of my traits is the innate ability to see things from multiple perspectives by default. I’ll address that trait and what it means to me in a future post, or possibly a series of posts.

subscribe via RSS